Tears, fears, and seizures…

I am about to summarize for you in five minutes what took me over 30 minutes to try and explain to my wife last Monday evening (21st). We sat on the cabin”s couch, basking in the warmth of the crackling furnace that protected us from the frigid air and icy river rapids outside our window.  And I’m gonna be honest with you, I was a mess.

My tearful silence was no more effective than my stammering, blubbering attempts to simply share a precious thought with my wife. A thought that, while not entirely new, had introduced itself that evening with such force and that i couldn’t hold back the flood of emotions that overwhelmed me. I found my tears uncontrollable as I tried to choke out an explanation to my wife, who probably thought I’d gone crazy. “Do the woods in Canada always have this effect????”

You might say a full-grown man shouldn’t cry. I might have saved a full 30 minutes had I just allowed myself to cry, instead of trying to “be a man.”

I wasn’t crying because of all the nausea, ‘mental spacing-out’, and weight loss I experienced the week before after finishing chemotherapy.

I wasn’t crying because I’d suddenly given up hope or felt like maybe God had abandoned me (more like the opposite of that).

The tears were not because of my occasional longings  for the simple, care-free life  I enjoyed as a child. When my biggest problems were figuring out how to get my cupped hands behind the crawdad before he  figured out I was there. Or why the VCR tracking wouldn’t clear the fuzz from our 14-inch TV screen so I could fully enjoy  Davey Crockett and the River Pirates.

No, my tears were caused by thankfulness. Caused by my inability to understand something much greater than any of my seemingly large problems. Something called LOVE. The love and support of my Logan (and family) who work untiringly to support my expensive health habits. It’s not cheap fighting the deadliest form of brain cancer with every tool you know to be useful.

But mainly, my tears were a wellspring of thankfulness for the undeserved LOVE that I finally understood my Savior has for me…. I have no idea how this whole journey with cancer will all play out. But when I look back on what’s already happened, it’s mind-boggling to recognize all the things God has done to get me this far. Mind-boggling how He could use this nasty disease to totally re-shape my life: to alter my apathetic attitude towards Him and His son’s sacrifice made SPECIFICALLY for me, to renew my vigor for life, and to awaken a thirst for knowledge and other interests I didn’t even know I had.

I’m finally piecing together the probable causes of my cancer now that two medical professionals in totally unrelated fields have told me the tumor most likely began to grow around ten years before I ever knew I had it. The crazy part is how God knew this all along and helped plan my life accordingly.

It’s mind-boggling to try and figure out how God let me end up with a perfect life partner, who not only was the most beautiful, sought-after girl at my high-school (GCA), but also that we would start dating only four months before  I graduated and took off for college. AND that she would be willing and able to be everything I needed, while still loving me and taking care of me when I’m a pill. AND that she would come from a “natural” family and be so stubborn as to force me to use and learn about alternative health practices, something my extremely traditionally medical family and I knew little about.

The way that God has put together my life’s puzzle pieces over the last three and a half years is what caused me to weep with gratitude one week ago. Why would He actually care enough about me to invest so much interest and precision in the way my life would unfold? Especially when I couldn’t ever and never came even close to caring that much about Him?

It’s an ultimate LOVE that I’ll never understand that moistens my eyes even as I write this here and now. I was overcome that evening, as I looked back at all the providential steps I’d taken to get to my treatment in Canada, which I feel is significant in the restoration of my health.

Somehow God’s timing is always perfect, as He knew I would need that emotional experience last week to get me through the last seven days since then. I’ve been haunted with 1 seizure and too many close calls to count. Ativan was prescribed to me as an emergency med to stave off seizures (standard for seizure treatment in the ER) – I’ve had to take it everyday since last Monday.

I wrote half of this blog post on paper and the whole thing with my right hand only, eyes down, periodically lying down covering my head in blankets to try and feel normal…computer screens and having my left hand out of my pocket seems to promote seizurish activity…?? It seems like the increased activity is caused by low blood sugar levels/being on my feet too much (tough to manage when my regime involves 3-6 ‘meals’, 2-4 enemas, and as close as i can get to 100 ounces of juice/day), as well as increased inflammation-I overdose on turmeric each day-15 capsules at least helps out.

I believe and hope this inflammation is due to my chemotherapy & Poly-MVA attacking my tumor.  I’ve never had this much trouble with seizures when my tumor was this small before. Plus, my MRI from 11-9, before I did any chemo or Poly-MVA shows no inflammation.

So why go to all the trouble of writing this time-consuming post? Two reasons.

One: I’ve never been so scared of seizures before and I need as many people praying for me as possible.  If you are willing, PLEASE pray for Logan and I, and solicit the prayers of others/pass this blog along/whatever. We serve a mighty God who longs for my well-being and everything will work out according to His plan.

Two: Sharing stories of how God is working in my life strengthens my timid faith… Which is why I have to tell you about the seizure I had in Quebec’s airport.

“His disciples asked Him, “Why was this man born blind?” Jesus replied, “This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:2-3

I had to fly alone overnight from LAS to Newark, then from EWR to Quebec, then wait for 1.5 hours until Logan flew in. No seizures. On the departing Canada flight we stopped at burger king in the isolated international terminal for some food. After ordering, I spent 20 minutes or so reading while visiting the restroom. No seizure. Got back to the table and Logan was at the counter. Felt fine. Logan came back; the aura and following seizure happened so fast that by the time I had the Ativan bottle in my hand it was twitching too hard to open the lid. I threw the bottle at her, got two tablets under my tongue, and Logan had saved me from anything more than a terrifyingly close call .

I hate telling this story. Logan hates it more. But really, I had to tell it, as God’s timing is actually what saved me from  disaster. Thanks God for guiding our lives. And for never giving up on us, even when we are scared and rate our quality of life as poor.

If you read this far, thanks for listening. Thanks for praying or passing this along to someone who will pray.

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77 Responses to “Tears, fears, and seizures…”

  1. Sheldon R. Bryan Says:

    Hey, Daniel and Logan… you are in my prayers always… I appreciate your courage, your authentic faith in God…. and I am praying… Don’t know what to say, but I am praying

  2. Nicole Stoner Says:

    Thanks for sharing. It’s amazing how God supplies strength and the people we need just when we most need help.

    I hate that you and Logan are having to travel this path, but so glad that you’re feeling His love and and returning gratitude for his provisions.

    Hugs to you two and lifting you up in prayer often.

  3. Praying for you.

  4. Patty Christman Says:

    Yes, I will continue praying for you. Thanks for sharing of your feeling His presence. You and Logan are precious to Him.

  5. Daniel,
    Thanks for continuing to share your journey. Though it is very laborious to write, it is inspiring to read and you continue to point us back to Jesus. Though it may not seem like it, God is using you in a mighty way! Sandy and I continue to pray for you and Logan and the journey that you are on.

    Following Jesus has never been easy. Only worth it. Love and courage to the both of you!
    Pastor Don

  6. Hey buddy you and Logan are in our prayers often. Love ya bro.

  7. Praying for your strength, healing and continued faith in our precious Lord! Praying Logan will find the strength and foritude to get thru this journey with you and also continue her faithful beliefs in Jesus. Always here for you…our home and hearts are open always to you and your family!

  8. We are praying for you.

  9. Thanks for sharing your story Daniel. Jesus does indeed love you and me more than we can ever know. Thank you for being grateful even in the midst of “tears, fears and seizures”,…courage my friend. Much luv for you and Logan

  10. Shayna Bowman Says:

    Thank you for your courageous blogs, Daniel. To have such faith through the crisis of a lifetime is so inspiring. I have no reason to ever lose faith if you can keep yours through your trials. It’s incredible. It’s all too easy to put my husband and I in your shoes as another somewhat newlywed and young couple just getting going on “our life.” Honestly, you guys have lived through one of my worst nightmares. And yet you come out on top with praises and thanks to the Lord for it all! Like I said, it’s incredible. You two are such a powerful, beautiful couple and we’re so blessed to have you as friends. We are praying for you, your family, your wife, and especially for the ceasing of your seizures. Please let us know if there is anything we can ever offer beyond prayers!

  11. Ralph and Mary Lou Bresee Says:

    Daniel and Logan – the two of you are in our every thought and payer. Your blogs Daniel are so meaninful and insightful – thank you so much for sharing! With our love and prayers – Ralph and Mary Lou

  12. I will be praying for you both as you face this illness together. I was 26 when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. We had no other choice but to rely on God and hand over all our worries and cares to Him… which can sometimes be a hard thing to do… we are such control freaks! Good luck with it all…

  13. allison harper Says:

    Daniel… Praying my heart out. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat if possible. Love you so, so much. Mom

  14. Sarah Self Says:

    Praying that you feel God’s love and strength in an extra special way today!! Love you guys!

  15. Katie Hammond Says:

    Once again Daniel, your blog is incredibly powerful! God is so good, and thanks for your perspective on that! Praying for you!

  16. Nancy Gerard Says:

    Daniel, we are praying for you and Logan! You are such a powerful witness to all of us. I know it sounds cliche, but as you already know, “God is good, all the time!” Love and prayers, Nancy G.

  17. Kathy Payne Says:

    I am Pastor Aaron’s mom. I will be praying for both of you. Your story was inspiring to me. I can see God sitting at your side through all of this. I will forward this blog to many that will pray also. How much does God love you? This much, as He spread out His arms and died.

  18. Travis Epperson Says:

    We are definitely praying for you! Just as Jesus healed Benjamin (Easter Play) I pray he will heal you… God be with you and guide you.

  19. Shaun Brooks Says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience Daniel for it has not only touched my heart to renewed appreciation of God’s mercies in all that we face but it has caused me to lift you up in prayer today.

  20. June Gooch Says:

    Daniel I saw this post on Facebook and immediately read it!it brought me to tears!at the end of reading it my one and a half year old daughter and I got on our knees,she folded her little hands and we prayed SO hard for u and Logan! U are in our constant prayers!

  21. matt nafie Says:

    Hi Daniel,
    You and Logan are in my prayers. May you feel his tender love and his strength.

    matt

  22. Daniel,
    I am adding my prayers to everyone else’s. God is so gracious/giving.
    Just memorizing this text today. May it be a blessing to you.
    The Lord’s lovingkindnesses NEVER cease. His compassions NEVER fail. They are new EVERY morning. GREAT is thy FAITHFULNESS. The Lord is my portion, says my soul. Therefore I have hope in HIM!! Lam. 3:22-24.

  23. Continue to trust Him… He loves you.

  24. Esther Martinez Says:

    Will pass it along to other prayer warriors.

  25. Jane and Jillian Kelly Says:

    It has been years since you and your family were in our life, but regardless, you are in our prayers.

  26. I will be praying for your cure since your faith is strong, blessings.

  27. Mr. Colburn Says:

    Thank you so much for putting your heart on the web! God is truly awesome especially when we see His direction during the challenges of life. Daniel I will be putting you on my prayer list. I have just started a 40 days of prayer small group with a few of my friends and rest assured I will be prayer for you every day for the next 40 days. And it won’t stop there. God is greater than the destructive sin that Satan puts in our path. Claim His promises and know that He too is crying tears for the agony that sin causes on His children. Thank you for being a beacon of light and hope for those of us that are also struggling in life!

  28. Holly Thompson Says:

    I continue to pray that the Lord will be with you and your wife.

  29. Tom Sterndale Says:

    Dan And Logan we are praying.
    Thanks for sareing with us it helps our weakness.

  30. David exclaims “..there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours!” Ps. 86:8. He continues, ..”Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s” Ps 103:2-5. I am the LORD, who heals you,” God says. Ex 15:26.

    God is longing for people on here on earth to look to Him with a simple, trusting, expecting faith. God asks Jeremiah, “Is there anything too hard for Me?” Jer 32:27.

    Daniel.. I am in medical school. I am praying for you. I don’t your specific condition but in your fears, keep trusting, keep holding on to the One “who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you!” Is 41:13

  31. Niki Knowlton Says:

    Daniel,

    Not everyone knows that feeling that you speak of…that feeling of being so totally thankful for everything around you that words cannot even express your gratitude to God for all the blessings He’s given. Although my situation this past year was no where near the trials you have been through I know what it is like to be able to look at God in a new way and be struck with awe at his mercy, love and FORETHOUGHT in our lives!

    I was in the right place at the right time to have a NICU for my son and an ICU for me in the same hospital. My Aunt was there at the right place and at the right time to deliver my son in the ICU. My husband was a CNA for 9 years before I became ill. When I was in the hospital and still at home he was able to help me with EVERYTHING – from carrying me in and out of my wheelchair and helping me put my clothes on to bathing me and helping me use the restroom which I couldn’t do myself. My mother had just quit her job and she was able to stay with me at home during the day and help me get used to motherhood while I was so weak. God provided the money we needed to just stay above water through special gifts from people on Facebook that we don’t even know and maybe will never meet until heaven.

    Our God is an awesome God and knows what we need and WHO we need before we ask. Thank you for reminding others of that fact as well!

    Praying for you and your family…God is good, all the time…

    In Christ,
    Niki Knowlton

  32. My prayers are with you! Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we are able to ask or think according to the power that worketh in us! His power! With His stripes we are healed! Keep lifting Him up, keep praising God, keep sharing your testimony for it is a ministry of healing for others. Praying for your wife also that God will give her continued peace through it all. He will do it. I praise Him daily for my healing, spiritually and physically…I am a cancer survivor! Bless the Lord!

  33. Fred Anderson Says:

    My wife and I pray for you every night. Hang in there, the Lord seems to have a definite plan for you. God Bless, Fred and Margaret Anderson

  34. My prayers are with you! Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we are able to ask or think according to the power that worketh in us! His power! With His stripes we are healed! Keep lifting Him up, keep praising God, keep sharing your testimony for it is a ministry of healing for others. Praying for your wife also that God will give her continued peace through it all, your family as well. He will do it. I praise Him daily for my healing, spiritually and physically…I am a cancer survivor! Bless the Lord!
    By the way, you are an excellent writer!

  35. muntaha yu Says:

    Dear Daniel: as the song we all sang as kids goes”dare to be a Daniel ‘what a faith what a praise your life is to see that nothing ever can separate us from the love of god… may Jesus Christ continues to stand by you and your lovely wife, we continue to pray for you and may the peace that passes all understanding sorround you and strengthen you,amen

  36. Daniel and Logan, I am touched and blessed by your faith and loving spirit. I have prayed for you and will continue to pray for your complete recovery. Your family is special and your friendship is awesome. All of my syudents have and always will be my kids and my family. Your my family and I am greatly saddened by your pain and suffering. All things work together for those who love the Lord and I know you love him very much. I thank you for your example of faith and showing Gods love under very difficult circumstances. My love and prayers to you both Wally

  37. Praying for strength and healing for you and strength and comfort for your wife too.

  38. Daniel,

    Hayley Chance told me about your challenge. I use the word challenge because I feel that’s what God has set before you. My dad always said something that has helped me throughout life. “If God be with you, who could stand against you?” The answer is nothing. No person, no sickness, no pain or challenge is insurmountable. My own lesson from his statement is “Faith is everything!” I say these two statements to myself whenever life gets tough and I keep saying it no matter what. You’re in my prayers brother, God bless!

  39. I don’t know you personally, but breaks my heart to know that you are going through such a horrific ordeal. Still, I thank God that He is showing His presence to you and your loved ones each day. I will pray for you and for healing.

  40. patti graybeal Says:

    Praying for you Your story will help others who are battling the same issues

  41. Mike and Dana Rhynus Says:

    We’re praying for you and Logan both!

  42. Your faith in God is so encouraging. Keep on looking up! We’re praying for you and Logan every single day!

  43. michelle chase Says:

    I am praying for you and Logan and sending you many hugs.

  44. Praying for you and Logan.

  45. Murrell Tull Says:

    Thank you Daniel for sharing your inspiring life with the world…you are a blessing to me. You are right..God has big plans for you…its already mapped out…You hang in there and continue telling your story….you are a great witness to all if us.

  46. LaVonne Blackwelder Says:

    We have been praying for you and Logan. We continue to be in awe as you share a part of your life and witness to us.
    Miracles are still able to happen..we pray for you both.

  47. Hey man…I am still praying for you guys. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on God’s incredible guiding love in your life. I can tell God’s working with you. I talk to many Christians everyday but I am always amazed how no one that I have come in contact with even comes close to praising God as many times as you do in our conversations. Let’s talk again soon.

  48. Debbie and I are praying for you each day. Our son, Michael, also has Glioblastoma. I very much appreciate your witness and your fight against this Cancer. Michael has not had seizures but splitting head aches. I am glad you are seeking alternative medicine. His diagnoses and surgery to remove the tumors was last July, 2010. As we pray for you and Logan, and your family, I ask you to pray for our Michael too. Thank you for your growing relationship with Jesus. Jesus will come soon to take away all the diseases of this world. We praise Him this Christmas season. Love, Carl Anderson

  49. perri koiladko Says:

    eden told me about you…i am lifting you and logan up and sharing your story with my friends.God bless you.

  50. Heather Gerholdt Says:

    Daniel, I was so moved with your blog. What an amazing person you are and what faith you have. You have more faith than I did as I was struggling with the loss of an unborn child in 4/2010. I thought, “why me, what did I do to deserve this?” It brought me way down as I was trying to figure out what I did that would have caused me to miscarry and I have yet to figure it out! It really hit me hard and I really struggled with blamming it on God. But, in reading this, you have given me such renewed faith in God that he does have a plan and he does things for a reason and in his time. I am praying for you and Logan as you take this journey together! Thank you for showing us your faith in God and stregthening my own faith! Thank you!

    Sincerely,
    Heather (Hicks) Gerholdt

  51. Hi, I know you do not know me but Nate Dubs is my nephew and I know you are a good friend of his and he was reaching out for prayer for you…It is a blessing in itself to have friends…my wife and myself will indeed be praying for you and family through these times…continue to place your trust in the Lord Jesus.

  52. Celia Anderson Says:

    I am praying for you.. I know that God will be with you and your wife through whatever may come… He already has!!

  53. Frances McCarter Says:

    I am a friend of Jo Dubs. She sent this to me and I am so glad. I will be praying for you and Logan. God has his arms wrapped around both of you.

  54. Jaela Cornejo Says:

    Daniel thanks so much for your transparency and thank you so much for sharing John 9:2-3. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I take God and His mercy’s for granted. Thank you for this reminder of how good God is. It’s really amazing how God orchestrates or lives. He knew that Logan would be perfect for you even before you did. I’m so glad God has given you a wonderful family and a sensational wife. Eddie and I will be keeping you in our prayers. “Now may the God of peace sanctify you through and through; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:23

  55. I don’t know you, but I am praying for you. Thank you for your raw and real perspective on the graciousness of God, amidst your suffering. That’s a powerful testimony. God’s power really is being displayed in your life right now. Thanks for having the courage to let Him use you in this way.

  56. Rebekah Bissell Says:

    Praying for you, thank you for sharing!

    Have you looked into trying a vaccine? I’ve read they have had some success with that on brain tumors…just a thought. Whatever happens, I hope you will always stay close to God so that when He comes again you can live forever!

  57. I love you bro! I’m praying for you. I think about you so often. Keep your chin up!

  58. Thank you for sharing your story of how God continues to work in your life, even when things are really tough. Praying for you and Logan. You both are heroes in the faith to many.

  59. Will pray for you and Logan.

  60. Thank you for having the courage to share this. I don’t know who you are but I consider you my brother in Christ and I really REALLY appreciate and respect you for putting this very personal, tough information on such a public forum. You inspire me to have a closer walk with God and really think about my life and my situation. I will be praying for you and Logan.

    -Heather

  61. Carol Boehm Says:

    You are a prayed for man Daniel – you have been since your brother touched all of our lives here in Tasmania. We love you by default, and will keep you and your beautiful Logan in our prayers constantly. Thank you for sharing such a personal and passionate testimony. God bless you.

  62. Ashley Compton Says:

    Daniel & Logan,
    Daniel – thank you for your transparency. Your writings have moved so many people. I paused and sent up a prayer for the both of you at this moment. Logan – you have been on my mind. Keep looking upwards.

    Prayers,
    Ashley

  63. Jeffrey Harper Says:

    Bro! God is using you. Thanks for being willing to be used by Him. Love you man.

  64. Maria Echemendia Says:

    You are both precious to Jesus. He has you safe in His arms and is carrying you at this trying time. The enemy will have no power over you. I will pray for you. Thank you for sharing.

  65. Renee Thomas Says:

    I am praying for you and Logan, and for continued strength for your journey.

  66. Renee Thomas Says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, for daily strength, for you and Logan.

  67. Daniel,
    To read what has been going on in your life and your Love for God and his Love for you has reminded me of his mercy and strength. God never lies and never fails us. I’m sorry for this shaky life but has you know in Heaven no fear, no insecurities, no lack of hope and no guessing what your life will be.
    Life is not what you have or have done but what you’ve learn and how you have loved and who has loved you. You, Daniel are Loved by so many here on earth but by so many more in Heaven and God is at the Front of the line.
    I pray for you and your lovely wife years of happiness and memories to fill a book.
    Love Mscharli
    PS
    Thank your for sharing
    CC

  68. Daniel, you are such an inspiration to so many people! I pray that God will guide you and lead you in the path He has planned for you. I pray that you find strength and peace through God and that He will heal you. Thank you for sharing. May God bless you and your wife.

  69. your story is so beautiful… i hope that i can have faith like yours. thank-you! for sharing what jesus is doing in your life! keep sharing… keep blessing others! my tears are with you. life can be so hard… but so rewarding… we just have to hold on. hold on… thank-you.

  70. Kristin Roe Says:

    Daniel.
    I was so touch by your post. You and Logan both will be in my prayers. I can’t imagine what a hard time this is for you and your family, but thank you so much for sharing! I agree, that God is truly working in your life. You are in my prayers!

    Kristin Roe

  71. Daniel. We are praying for you and Logan. We pray that you will continue to have the courage to face each day together with God. Remember he has a plan for you both. May God blees you and give you support you need at this time.

  72. Loretta Hauck Says:

    Daniel and Logan – Strength and courage is my prayer for you both. The Lord IS in control and He will get you both through this remarkable journey. Love and peace.

  73. Logan, Daniel, thinking about you, praying for you. Keep turning toward each other and God. Love and prayers!

  74. Debbie Brady Says:

    Our thoughts and prayers are for you and Logan. Your life has already been a witness, you had a profound influence on our son Alex when you taught him to play the guitar. Now he is playing for church and vespers. Thank you.

  75. Was touched by your words and experience.
    will pray that our Lord continues to give you strength.
    May you always feel Jesus close to you.

  76. Michelle (Key) Price Says:

    Hello! I’m Trista (Peterson) Roque’s second cousin and she posted the link to your blog on Facebook. Your story is really inspiring. I am a nurse and have worked with clients who have brain cancer & seizures before. It’s really scary and life changing for someone to experience (as you know). I recently got married and I am learning how much of a blessing it is to such a wonderful supportive husband. You are blessed to have such an awesome wife. I’ll keep you in my prayers! God bless!!

  77. Jill Brown-Reading Says:

    Daniel, I’ve only started to follow your blog via your sister posting on facebook. You are an inspiration to me and my family. Thank you for having the courage to write. You have asked for prayers and from this time on I am committing daily prayer for you and your wife. My prayer is that you will continue your journey with faith and that God himself will sustain you and provide for all your needs. Thank you again for being such a light in this dark world. Your friend in Christ, Jill

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